Inspired by Lauren Dubinsky’s love letter to her body. She runs the Good Women Project and she truly inspires me every day.
Adapted from her own blog.
A love letter to the body that belongs to Eliza.
i need to apologize.
if you were a friend, you would have left this relationship long ago. and honestly? i would have understood. i never say my thanks, i never say i love you, and every gift i’ve given you was just because i wanted to make me to look better. not because i cared about you. i’ve been so unforgivably selfish.
if you were a lover, even the truest of the true, you would have given up on me. i can’t remember the last time i valued you for who you are. on my bad days – and there have been lots of them, you know – i assaulted you. i told you how disappointed i was in you. i listed all the things i hated about you. i made sure to hide you from certain people, because i was embarrassed to be seen with you. i judged you. i stood in front of the mirror and made sure you knew exactly why i hated you so much. and on my good days? our good days? i was content to tell you i wished that i had better – but that you would have to do for now.
now that i think about it, i’ve never treated anyone worse than i have you.
now that i think about it, i’m sorry doesn’t seem to cut it. but i’m going to try. i’m going to finally say everything i should have said long ago.
* * *
i’m sorry i’ve treated you like a burden, instead of a gift.
i’m sorry i’ve verbalized every single flaw, instead of finding joy in all of your perfection.
i’m sorry i’ve compared you to every woman i’ve seen, instead of making sure you knew you were loved.
i’m sorry for never thinking you were good enough.
i’m sorry for not defending you to others, and talking shit about you to my closest friends.
i’m sorry for hushing what you’ve wanted, and silencing every valuable thing you’ve wanted me to know.
i’m sorry that i made you an enemy, instead of an ally.
but most of all, i’m sorry that it’s taken me twenty nine years to realize that we’re stuck together forever. twenty nine years to ever realized i need to say i’m sorry.
Dear hair: I’m sorry for damaging you so badly with changing colors all the time and not being consistent with one.
Dear breasts: I’m sorry I keep complaining about how big you’ve become since pregnancy.
Dear tummy: I’m sorry for trying to always hide you.
Dear heart: I’m sorry for always shutting you down when all you want to do is be open and love.
dear everything. i’m so sorry that i have never been grateful.
and so, dear everything. dear body. dear self. dear cells that are more countless than the stars in the sky, who give flesh and bone to my soul, i love you.
even now, while i’m sad, while i sit here judging you, hating you, being disappointed by you – know that i’ve finally realized it isn’t you. it’s me.
and i promise to begin to change that.
because we are inseparable , and i want to live life loving you