a love letter to my body

Inspired by Lauren Dubinsky’s  love letter to her body.  She runs the Good Women Project and she truly inspires me every day.

Adapted from her own blog.

to the body that belongs to lauren nicole: a love letter.

A love letter to the body that belongs to Eliza.

dear you,

i need to apologize.

if you were a friend, you would have left this relationship long ago. and honestly? i would have understood. i never say my thanks, i never say i love you, and every gift i’ve given you was just because i wanted to make me to look better. not because i cared about you. i’ve been so unforgivably selfish.

if you were a lover, even the truest of the true, you would have given up on me. i can’t remember the last time i valued you for who you are. on my bad days – and there have been lots of them, you know – i assaulted you. i told you how disappointed i was in you. i listed all the things i hated about you. i made sure to hide you from certain people, because i was embarrassed to be seen with you. i judged you. i stood in front of the mirror and made sure you knew exactly why i hated you so much. and on my good days? our good days? i was content to tell you i wished that i had better – but that you would have to do for now.

now that i think about it, i’ve never treated anyone worse than i have you.

now that i think about it, i’m sorry doesn’t seem to cut it. but i’m going to try. i’m going to finally say everything i should have said long ago.

i’m sorry.

* * *

i’m sorry i’ve treated you like a burden, instead of a gift.

i’m sorry i’ve verbalized every single flaw, instead of finding joy in all of your perfection.

i’m sorry i’ve compared you to every woman i’ve seen, instead of making sure you knew you were loved.

i’m sorry for never thinking you were good enough.

i’m sorry for not defending you to others, and talking shit about you to my closest friends.

i’m sorry for hushing what you’ve wanted, and silencing every valuable thing you’ve wanted me to know.

i’m sorry that i made you an enemy, instead of an ally.

but most of all, i’m sorry that it’s taken me twenty nine years to realize that we’re stuck together forever. twenty nine years to ever realized i need to say i’m sorry.

Dear hair: I’m sorry for damaging you so badly with changing colors all the time and not being consistent with one.

Dear breasts: I’m sorry I keep complaining about how big you’ve become since pregnancy.

Dear tummy: I’m sorry for trying to always hide you.

Dear heart: I’m sorry for always shutting you down when all you want to do is be open and love.

dear everything. i’m so sorry that i have never been grateful.

and so, dear everything. dear body. dear self. dear cells that are more countless than the stars in the sky, who give flesh and bone to my soul, i love you.

even now, while i’m sad, while i sit here judging you, hating you, being disappointed by you – know that i’ve finally realized it isn’t you. it’s me.

and i promise to begin to change that.

because we are inseparable , and i want to live life loving you

Cast your care

Psalm 55:22

New Living Translation (NLT)

²² Give your burdens to the Lord,
and he will take care of you.
He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.

Be accountable for your responsibilities and all the rest, give them to the Lord and he will take care of you.

Do what you can do and God will do what you can’t do.

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6 NLT
 

 

 

Plastic Society

It’s not who you know but how well do you know them?

With all the social media connections, most of us have 200+ friends on our friends list but we don’t even know 5 of them very well. We’re lacking in connection. Even the posts we posts aren’t really anything about us or our lives, it’s just mostly shallow and plastic.

We live in a plastic society where people are walking around with masks.

We don’t have a clue about each others heartaches or celebrations because when asked how we are, we answer “I’m fine,” and How are things? “Everything is good.” In the meantime, we’re falling apart on the inside but me numb ourselves by loud music, parties, drugs, couple of glasses of wine, and surface conversations and we call it “privacy.”

Some of us don’t share because we believe it will get jinxed, others don’t share because they want “privacy,” or we just assume no one really cares.

We lack involvement, engagement, trust and CONNECTION and therefore there is no friendship value or rewards of good friendships.

We have all these types and forms of communications yet there is no real communication.

For those of us who want to get connected here is what you can do about it.

1. Look at your Facebook friends and make a list of your top 5 friends.

Relationships of shared virtue, according to Aristotle, are the ones that bring true happiness. Focus on these relationships

2. Now that you have your top 5 friends. For each one, write all the things you love about them and why. Then make it an effort to let them know today and every day!

3. In what ways do they influence you and make you a better person?

4. How do they inspire you?

5. How often do you hang out together?

 

Excuses are cheap. Go out of your way to let them know how special they are to you. Grow deeper in your friendships!

 

 

 

Toxic Fears

The best way I’ve heard someone describe fear is by breaking down each letter of the word FEAR which stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. Isn’t that true? We often live our daily lives as if the thing we’re worrying about has actually happened or is about to happen. This kind of living robs us from God’s best and joy in our lives. Instead of walking in faith and enjoying the current moment, we become trapped in this state of fearing all these things that could happen.

The choice is up to us. I hate getting caught up in the vortex of the vicious cycle of fear. One has to become sick and tired of being afraid that will stand up in faith and drive fear away. The funny thing is us worrying about it doesn’t even change anything other than the fact that it makes us miserable and useless. It is tormenting to live in fear. It has the most negative influence on our thoughts and emotions.

In order to change our emotions and how we feel afraid is by changing the way we think.
If you want to change your life,  you must change your outlook.

Don’t be the kind of person that says”but, I can’t help it.” Yes, you can.

What has worked for me is mediating on the Word of God that is relevant to my situation and speaking it in my circumstance.

A lot of times we try really hard to not worry or think negatively but what’s really helped me is replacing those toxic thoughts and fears with faith giving words and actions over and over again until it looses it’s grip and it becomes a natural way of life.

God’s Word is powerful and it has transformed lives from generation to generation and is still living and active if we choose to live accordingly.

Psalm 27 says.

 

Psalm 27

Of David.1 The Lord is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?

2 When the wicked advance against me
to devourt me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.

3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.

4 One thing I ask from the Lord,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.

5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.

6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the Lord.

7 Hear my voice when I call, Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.

8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, Lord, I will seek.

9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior.

10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.

11 Teach me your way, Lord;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.

12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.

13 I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.

14 Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.

 

Run to Finish the Race

I did it. I enrolled in two classes for the Fall 2012. I’m going back to college next month after taking two years off during pregnancy and the first year of being a mom. I’ve had an unstable on and off relationship with college. I’ve been working on my Bachelor’s Degree since June 2001. It’s been over 11 years.  A few blogs ago, I wrote of the events that took place in my life that has prolonged the process.

• I changed my major from Business Management to Child Development after two years of  college because I couldn’t stand accounting class
• Got my Associate Degree from Community college in Child Development (like that counts for anything but still!)
• My mom gave birth to my baby brother almost 7 years ago. He will be 7 next month!
• Family crisis- don’t need to get into that
• I got engaged
• Got married
• Both parents went through cancer scares within a year apart
• I got pregnant
• I had a baby

Currently,  I’m happily married to the most amazing man on earth and have the most wonderful baby but I need to go back and finish college once and for all.
To be honest with you, I didn’t want to go back but a part of me keeps leaking if I don’t go back and finish this degree. Even if I don’t pursue a career in it, I need to do this for myself.
I do realize others have gone through similar situations, if not worse,  but have managed to keep their school life on check but not everyone can do everything just the same way as everyone else. For some of us it takes longer than others.

Please pray for me, for courage, strength and perseverance through this journey because in the end, I want to give all glory to God because even the decision to go back was inspired by Him.

I can do everything I need to do through Christ who strengthens me.

I NEED TO FINISH COLLEGE.

That’s the verse that keeps playing in my head over and over again.

All the Right Motives

Next time you want to do something or buy something ask yourself this:

Why am I really doing this?

Why do I need this?

Do I truly need this?

Am I trying to impress?

Because so many of us are caught in the vicious cycle of doing things trying to impress the people we don’t like.

check your motives before your wreck yourself.

Lets encourage one another to do the right thing for the right reasons.

We Buy Things We Don’t Need

With Money We Don’t Have

To Impress People We Don’t Like

 

Everything’s great & Nobody’s Happy

Louis C.K. said “Everything’s great and nobody’s happy,” on The Conan O’Brien Show in 2009 and boy was he right. Can you relate too? It seems like even when everything is going great, there is a deep longing in our soul for something more and deeper.

We’re constantly chasing happiness while it’s fleeting from us. There is never the perfect circumstance or person to keep us happy for long. As soon as we run out of “happy” we start the chase again and it always wears us out and keeps us occupied with lots of things that really don’t matter. We end up doing more stuff and produce less. We throw ourselves into work to make more money to live in a house that we only come home to sleep. We cut time away from our friends and family to go out there and get something bigger and better to only come back to square one. There is nothing wrong with having things and enjoying them but when we base our joy on them, we run out very quickly!

We get promoted and become happy for a short time until we feel stuck and hit a dead end and feel miserable until we get promoted again…and it never stops.

There is always more, one more step to climb on the ladder, always something bigger and better to attain. Maybe, it’s time I give up the chase and live Christ’s Joy inside out. The Bible talks about the Joy of the Lord being my strength. The joy that I can have is not my own but it’s Christ’s. The thought that Christ came to complete my Joy it’s like Wow. I want to walk in it.

I recently read the article “Why you’re Not Happy’ In Relevant Magazine and loved the way it breaks down joy.

why-youre-not-really-happy

Contrary to common belief, real joy in Christ and through Christ is not connected to your circumstances or emotions.

This joy isn’t about your financial stability or relationship prospects.

It cannot be any of these things because this joy is not your own.

Christ is taking over your life, apprehending you, birthing in you holiness, where joy in relationship with Him is a direct outcome.

No question, happiness and joy are interrelated, but what must not be lost is that happiness is based on our current reality, while joy is based on eternity.

Happiness is caught up in the moment. Joy sees the big picture.

Happiness is about what happens to you. Joy is about what is produced in you.

Happiness is defined by the harsh reality of your present circumstances. Joy is defined by the truth of God’s eternal benevolence toward you.

Joy teaches that the worst thing can lead to be the best outcome. The author of Hebrews explains that Christ went to the cross for the “joy set before him”

(Hebrews 12:2). It wasn’t the death and destruction of the cross where joy was fully realized. Jesus saw past the nails and His own spilled blood to a joy far outweighing them.

The circumstances in your life will never be perfect enough for happiness. But through Christ, His perfect sacrifice and holiness, we can experience a joy-filled life that sees past the brutality of our broken lives.

As you enter into life in this way, you might even become happy again.

Why Doncha Do Something?

One of the great illusions of life is that I will give myself credit for being better than I am merely because I internally approve of good deeds, ideas or I “like” Facebook pages that are about good causes thinking “I’m in favor of that.”
I rate myself as above-average on compassion and justice purely because of passive internal emotional responses.

Not good.

It doesn’t have to be fancy or big.
Better to take one step–even if it’s small.

Go out of your way to talk to someone who may seem lonely

Tutor a student

Volunteer at a hospital or at your church

Give blood

Do something.

Our “Likes” and being in favor of something really doesn’t do much for anyone unless we act on it.

Have fun!

Your Style

My sister could wear full blown makeup, colorful clothes, bright neon colors, spiderman lashes, ,mix patterns together and look fantastic. I, on the other hand, looking at her and admiring her style try it out once in awhile and end up looking like a clown. I decided to wear red lipstick to work this morning and by the time I had finished my coffee, it was smeared all over my face and looked like I had a make out session with hubby at my desk. So bad. This is what happens every time I try something outside of my own style.

I just think it’s funny and cute how girls are. We see one style, hair color, outfit on another girl that we admire and we think if we did the same we’d look just like that and we’d feel great about ourselves. Not true most of the time.   Be who you are and dress according to YOUR style that brings out the best in you.

Think of all the celebrities. If you could describe your style preference with one of them, which one would it be?

I’m more of Jessica Biel girl.

Lead me to the Cross

Savior I come

Quite my soul

Redemption’s Hill

Where your blood was spilled

For my ransom

Everything I once held dear

I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross

Lead me to your heart…

We sang this song at church today and couldn’t get it out of my head all day, so had to share 🙂