Here I am down on my knees again…

It’s been a bumpy month with the kiddo. Some days, I just want to having a crying sesh and I know that would do me good. But one thing that sustains me is His loving Presence. He is near. He cares. I surrender.

Here I am
Down on my knees again
Surrendering all
Surrendering all

Find me here
Lord as You draw me near
Desperate for You
Desperate for You

I surrender

Drench my soul
As mercy and grace unfold
I hunger and thirst
I hunger and thirst

With arms stretched wide
I know You hear my cry
Speak to me now
Speak to me now

I surrender
I surrender
I wanna know You more
I wanna know You more

Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Like a mighty storm
Stir within my soul
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Like a mighty storm
Stir within my soul
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Like a mighty storm
Stir within my soul
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

I surrender
I surrender
I wanna know You more
I wanna know You more

Heart Condition

Lately, God has brought it to my attention that I spend too much time being afraid of missing him, not praying enough, reading the bible enough, getting out of his will and not walking in his ways. He wants me to simple be me, and enjoy all that he has given me. He wants me to accept the joy, everything else he has already done for me.

He brought it to my attention, that men created religion to find ways to God but Jesus didn’t come to give us religion. It was God in flesh, reaching down to us, to save us from the works of trying to get right with God. He came to fulfill the law. He came so that I will have joy and my joy will be complete. He came so that I will have Peace even in the midst of sickness, drama, trouble and any crisis! He reached out to me. He wanted to connect with you and me!

I don’t need to try to do anything. What God wants is for me to enjoy all that He has already done for me.

It’s as if, If I were to make my daughter soup and instead of her enjoying and eating the soup, what if she constantly kept dumping it in the sink and trying to make it on her own over and over to get it to taste just right. I already made it, why can’t she just sit and enjoy the meal?

It’s as if, the Armenian coffee I make in the mornings, tries to figure me out. It’s the same when I try to figure God out. His ways are not my ways. His thoughts are not my thoughts.

I have way too many apps on my iphone. I don’t sit and try to figure them out, how they were made, how it works. I just know by one touch it takes me where I want to go and assists me with what I need.

I feel like that’s how God sees us sometimes. Instead of getting connected to him, we’re trying to figure out the apps. Just hit install. It’s FREE. Password: JESUS

Why do I have trouble believing? Why do I have trouble receiving His love and joy?  Maybe, because it sounds too good to be true. Or maybe because my dad taught me, I need to work hard. Maybe because our society has taught us NOTHING IS FOR FREE. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to ask and believe….because in case it doesn’t I need a back up plan!

Sometimes my disappointment in me comes from thinking I have disappointed God but He has seen all of that before I was even born. He knows what I’m going to say before I say and what I’m going to do before I do it, yet HE CHOSE to love me nonetheless.

Even with all that I know of Him and His love for me, I am still fearful to let go and let Him lead. I sometimes wait for feelings first before obedience, yet feelings are the result of obedience.”

I fear insignificance.”

“I’m scared that my goals, hopes, and dreams don’t line up with God’s plans for me. I’m scared that if I follow Him, I will have to move to a mud hut in Zimbabwe.”

“I’m scared of being disappointed—I’ve been let down so many times by my earthly parent, friends and just anyone I’ve been close to, it is hard to believe that I can trust God.”

“I have trouble believing that the Bible is true, so I pick and choose what I’m going to believe and do; then I wonder why it is not working out for me. I want to believe God and obey His word, but I don’t really, so I do it my way, and it doesn’t work out for me … so I blame Him.”

“I’m scared that if I surrender fully to God, I’ll turn into someone I don’t recognize or even like.”

God doesn’t want me to be someone else. He created me to be me. There is none like me. If anything, He wants to help me strip me of layers of images, the expectations, burdens, rules and law that  people, society and culture around me has put on me, to be free of that, break free, to be the me that I want to be. To love without being afraid of getting hurt. To be able to be open and vulerable.

God is not complicated. I make him to be. He is simple. He is simple and true. Even when I’m not. He doesn’t ask me to do anything He knows I couldn’t do. He simply asks me to trust him even when I don’t have the answers. He simply wants me to enjoy every day life without being afraid of the future.

Even in the midst of being Almighty and All Powerful, God is With us, on our level, and right where we are.

Help me Lord, to accept Your Truth, to  live a simple kind of life, and walk in love without being judgemental and critical of others. Help me to fall back on your grace and not try to overdo things and make things complicated. Help me to treat others as I want them to treat me.

Help me to remember, you don’t keep a record of my bible reads, plans and wrongs. It’s me who does and I should let it go. Help me to do that and live in your freedom. Help me to rememeber that these three remain: faith, hope and Love but above all LOVE

In Jesus Name

Amen

El